ACTUAL writings from hospital charts
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. kathy you forgot the best ones...."you're half a quart low" "anybody seen my watch?" A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" What a crack up! Where did you find those? Number 17 made me laugh out loud.
Other ones I've heard of:
1) Large brown BM, ambulating in hall.
2) speculum out, doctor in
3) pt remarked she like the Kentucky jelly (KY) Patient stated' I havent felt well since before i started feeling bad" (actual chart entry) lol! They are hilarious! Where did you find them if I may ask? :) lmao.. these are sooooo funny!! thanks for the laugh! bloopers bloopers bloomers there every wear even in this massage. 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
26. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
27. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
28. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
29. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
30 She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
****************
Favorite Nurse Quotes
1. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
2. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
3. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
4. Can I trade this job for what鈥檚 behind door number 2?
5. I鈥檇 agree with you if you were right, but you鈥檙e not.
6. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
7. How can I miss you if you don鈥檛 go away?
8. If it weren鈥檛 for booze, cigarettes, and stupidity we鈥檇 all have to get real jobs.
9. I have to care for you, not care about you.
10. I don鈥檛 know what your problem is, but I鈥檒l bet it鈥檚 hard to pronounce.
11. How about never? Is never good for you?
12. I鈥檒l try being nicer if you鈥檒l try being smarter.
13. It sounds like English, but I can鈥檛 understand a word you鈥檙e saying.
14. I can see your point, but I still think you鈥檙e full of ****.
15. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
16. I鈥檓 already visualizing the tape over your mouth.
17. What am I? Flypaper for assholes?
18. I鈥檓 not being rude. You鈥檙e just insignificant.
19. It鈥檚 a thankless job, but I鈥檝e got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20. You sound reasonable鈥ime to up the medication.
21. Who me? No, I鈥檓 not the nurse; I just wander from room to room.
22. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
23. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
24. Chaos, panic and disorder- my work here is done.
25. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. Don鈥檛 worry. I forgot your name, too.
29. You say I鈥檓 a ***** like it鈥檚 a bad thing. |
